...on being me.

I was looking through status updates on Facebook, and came across one that said:

DON'T THiNK i DiD 2 WeLL ON My TeST BUT i KNOW i DiDN'T FAiL. NO WORK TODAy!! (: MAyBe HiTTiNG THe MOVieS LATeR WiTH THe BOyFRieND. (: (:

What is the reason for this? I would imagine it takes a semi-great deal of effort to constantly play tag with the Shift key to achieve this sort of thing.

~/~

In order to keep myself from dwelling on this any longer, I feel like I should get this out of my system. It's been a while since I've had a good ramble.

In the midst of conversation today, and reflecting on my own maturity, I had an epiphany:



I'm self-destructive.



And bored.




Or maybe I've realized this before and I've merely forgotten.

I constantly do things I know I'd rather not do, or that would otherwise elicit some sort of...feeling in my stomach. Even today, my own curiosity led me to indulge in what I knew would have affected me in some way. I loved and hated it simultaneously. [Random: I like the word "simultaneously." It includes all of the vowels; even the shunned away Y.]


I guess this is self-destructive, right? Or perhaps, some form of masochism. ha. [And no, none of that had anything to do with sex, or anything remotely related to it for that matter.]


Another observation: When I was younger, oftentimes my loneliness led me to reach out to others or seek the attention of others. Nowadays, not so much. In fact, now, I find myself occupying my mind with silly tasks like...writing. Or driving aimlessly in the middle of the night.

Perhaps all it took was a dosage of maturity, but this reflection was further supported when, out of pure boredom, I logged into an older networking site that I used to frequent. I was stunned at not only how young I sounded/looked, but also, at how DUMB I was. It shocked me to know that people could actually put up with who I was back then. Opening up the inbox was even worse; pages upon pages of messages filled with meaningless "i love you's" and...


"chillaxin'."


Ugh.


Was I using people? I guess. But still; that's no excuse to use the word "chillax." [Is that still socially acceptable?]

God, what a tool.



Another observation: On Sundays, my father used to bring home the Sunday paper. As a kid, I suppose like any other, was only interested in the comics. Whatever was happening in the world and essentially had an effect on my future was of no importance to me.

That's normal, I think. Kids are oblivious to "real world" occurrences.

I'm beginning to see similarities between myself and Jon Arbuckle, from those Garfield comics I used to read. As a kid, I related to Garfield. I wanted to sleep in and eat everything my parents had in the house. Nowadays I feel more like the awkward do-nothing adult with too much time on his hands. It's bad enough the man talks to a cat, but when you take Garfield out of the comic, his sad, lonely, existence is undeniably indisputable. [That sounds redundant, and probably is.]

And my personal favorite:

~/~

My inner Jon Arbuckle has only further gotten me in touch with just how much of an obsessive neat freak I am.

I have often found myself cleaning my room, sorting through all of the junk I still have in boxes in my closet, consolidating and condensing what is important, useless, sentimental, etc. But it's led me to thinking about how much stuff I have owned throughout my lifetime, and what it might’ve all looked like had I not been moving locations and just growing out of things. It’s become a lifestyle that necessitates the ceaseless minimizing of my possessions; to keep streamlining my belongings to the bare essentials. And although they have been streamlined a bit, video games, for the most part, get a lifetime exemption from this rule.

A lot of people look to astrology for explanations on why they are the way they are. I'll admit, I've done it. I still look at it every now and then, curious to see what the stars believe are in store for me. Astrology suggests that my Cancerian self is:

"Deeply intuitive and sentimental. Cancer can be one of the most challenging Zodiac signs to get to know. Emotion runs strong for this sign, and when it comes to family and home, nothing is more important. Sympathetic and empathetic, Cancerians are greatly attuned to those around them. Devotion is the keyword for this sign, making them wonderfully sensitive people to be around."

Perhaps the way I am was predetermined the minute my name was decided. What's in a name, you ask? The Kabalarian's seem to think everything is, apparently:

• The name of Christopher incorporates a potential aptitude for concentration and patient, logical thought along mechanical or scientific lines. [mmkay.]
  
• You tend to prefer to follow normal routine rather than cope with the disruption and uncertainty entailed in trying something new. [yeah...]
  
• You gravitate to situations where you have stability and the opportunity to make slow step-by-step progress, preferably in a technical field. [right.]
  
• Procrastination and lack of self-confidence may restrict your success. [ugh.]
  
• The name Christopher creates the urge to be friendly and diplomatic, but we point out that it limits your versatility and vision, tuning you to technical details. [absolutely.]
  
• This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid and elimination system. [well, my uncle did have colon cancer...]

Regardless of what my sign is, or what the Kabalarians (whoever they are) think, I think I've come to terms with the fact that I am that I am. Accept that for what it is.


Perhaps that's the meaning of life?

That sentence has been repeated again and again from the wisest of sages throughout the...ages. It encompasses all meaning, yet it is about accepting that there very well could be NO meaning. Quite simply, you are here and that is that for now.

You are that you are. And he is the way he is because he is the way he is. Just as your friends are the way they are because that’s the way they are.

Understanding meaning can be mind-numbing.

Meaning to life [or anything] is whatever story you make up about it. Otherwise, life just is. And without your made up stories, life is empty and meaningless. AND – it’s empty and meaningless that it’s empty and meaningless. But, I digress. I am that I am. That is all. That is the only fact for me at this moment.

Let that be some wisdom for the day: Just be you. Be dreamy and respond to whatever makes you happy.

You do it, and I'll try too.




Enough babbling.



tImE 2 Go cHiLLaX. (: (: (:



love. peace.




On a side note, here's my horoscope for the day:

Today is a very interesting day indeed for Cancer natives. Love and relationships of all kinds are highlighted, so if you're seeking a true soul mate, don't close your eyes to the person who seems totally opposite from you. Sometimes, sparks fly when there's a bit of friction in that department. Where others see only what is on the surface, you are able to see the light inside other people. Your ability to recognize inner beauty is a gift -- you can assess who is really worth getting to know. To be beautiful in your eyes is a quite a compliment for anyone.

Interesting.


Also, on the previous topic of comics, I just found out that Disney bought out Marvel. If the following is your wish, then fear not; it just might happen: