enough is enough.

So-so mood.

Insert disc.

It started. I laughed. I smiled. I frowned. Parallels induced tears. It ended.

Eject disc.

Bad mood.

I hate this.

~/~

Contrary to what I continually tell myself, I can't seem to help myself.

Watching that movie was like looking into a mirror. It's not the first time I've connected with a male character in a movie before, but I felt like my heart was breaking right along with his.

And I guess it ruined my day. I'm tired of having my day ruined, and it's time for some outlet.

Everyone has been in a position where all they want are answers, and Summer refused to give them. Sometimes, that's more heartbreaking than the actual heartbreak itself, ya know?

Here's a boy who can't get this girl off of his mind [and in his eyes, it's a girl like no other. A girl who, despite her own personal problems and issues of confidence and self-consciousness, could simply be herself and would be more than he could ever hope to find in a girl]; he finds happiness in every interaction with her, and finds his vision of perfection in every little thing about her.

When she looks at him, his heart looks like it's beating a mile a minute.

When she smiles, he can't help but smile.

When she's not looking, he almost doesn't want to look away.

When she's next to him, it's like there is nowhere else he'd rather be.

She makes him happy and she doesn't even have to lift a finger.


But for as much as she gives, she also holds back.


I can see why Tom struggles.

What is he supposed to make of the little things in the relationship -- or to Summer, the "friendship" -- that seem to add up to a bigger picture that doesn't have a title or focus? At what point does the fact that something just feels right become not enough? When they're together, they are as happy as happy can be, and it's almost all they can ever seem to be. There is undoubtedly something more than friendship going on there, contrary to what Summer says it is.

Uncertainty is a bitch, and it can get the best of us. It's those little "what-ifs" that eat away at our day. It pecks and pokes at you and won't stop until you confront it face to face. It wants you to put your foot down and heed its call.

And like hope, uncertainty can be persistent, and no matter how much you would love for it to go away, it's something you subconsciously hold onto because as much as you think things couldn't be any worse, there's always that chance that things could be better.

It could always be worse, right? That was something I used to tell myself a while back, and I'm convinced that it's still true.

You keep looking forward and fight through whatever mess it is that's in your head, no matter how hard it is.

Tom did. And ultimately, Summer started seeing someone else.

AND THEN SHE GOT MARRIED.

Needless to say, this pissed me off. My rice cakes ended up on the floor and I came close to turning off the movie.

Simply put, Tom wasn't good enough. I wish I could pinpoint the things/qualities that support that statement, but I'm having trouble doing that.

What did he do wrong?

What was so bad about Tom?



The truth is, it's a case of the "it's not you, it's me."


And I hate that.


The problem isn't Tom.


The problem is Summer.



And like Tom, I want to hate Summer.



But I can't.



Summer makes it too hard to not fall for her.

And Tom likes her too much.

~/~

This was a useless ramble. I'm going to go change my fucking tampon now.

The next few days will be much needed.



I LOVE SPRING BREAK.